Part - One
Written by:- Sandeep Bisht
It was a Wednesday afternoon when I came out of my office for a smoke to soothe myself. The work pressure was pulling me down from a couple of months now. For six consecutive months I was awarded - ‘Best Sales Agent’ in my Health Insurance company. That was the time when I touched new heights in my career and from past two months I was swimming around new depths.
While smoking I was constantly thinking that how my focus from work has shifted to blank spaces and how I am reduced to way below than a mediocre performer. Nothing terrible happened with me, no break-ups, no death in the family because I don’t have anyone left by now, no drug addiction. Probably I need a break or I need to switch job and do something new, I thought.
After finishing my cigarette I turned back to walk towards office door. While walking back I felt that the blazing sun is engulfing me, I couldn’t move all of a sudden, the sun rays started piercing my body and I collapsed in front of my office.
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Next thing I remember, I was lying on a ward care bed in a hospital where my friend Ritesh was a doctor. He was standing right in front of me holding a notepad. I got excited as soon as I looked him and I tried to lift my body but I struggled hard to do so.
“Hey, relax. Relax. So finally you woke up. I thought you were in a coma.” said Ritesh in an attempt to cheer me up.
“In that case I would have hired you to clean my shit every single day.” said I laughingly.
After this light moment of joy, I asked him “What happened, how did I get in here? All I remember was that I collapsed.”
“One of your colleagues brought you here, but don’t worry you might have collapsed due to weakness or lack of sleep” said he.
“I guess it’s because of work pressure” I replied.
“You will be fine, just relax. Give yourself a break. Stay here for a couple of days. You will get it covered with your health insurance. Feel like home” said he smilingly.
I had no problem staying at the hospital apart from the fact that I hated hospitals. Hospitals are very boring and sadistic place, even a happy-go-lucky person will get sad after spending couple of hours inside any hospital.
“I have also taken your blood sample just to ensure whether it’s some disease or not” said Ritesh.
“Yes, to be on the safer side” I agreed.
As he was leaving the ward room of the hospital I asked him to give me some lotion to apply on a wound on my leg.
“Let me take a look at it… Did you get this today” said he with a confused expression and after carefully examining my wound.
“No, it’s been more than a month. This wound is not healing, I don’t know what’s wrong with it” said I.
“Ok apply this for the meantime and I will be back with reports tomorrow morning. If you need anything just ring the bell, we have some good looking nurses here” said he as he was about to leave the room.
“Don’t worry, I won’t call them sister” I said laughingly.
The mischievous side of me was back in its flow and I ranged the bell. Within half a minute I saw a black, weird looking female in her late 30s in front of me.
“Yes Mr. Anirudh, do you need anything” she asked with utter honesty.
“No… No. It was by mistake. Thank You” I said to avoid indulging more in this embarrassing situation.
After having the simple and tasteless dinner at the hospital I went to sleep, because there wasn’t much to do.
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As I woke up next morning Ritesh was sitting near me, he looked sad.
“Did your wife ask you for divorce?” I asked him.
He didn’t replied but made the no gesture by shaking his head with no expression on his face.
“Then what’s wrong, cheer up.” I said mocking him.
“Look I don’t want to play with words, because I am not good at it. I want to tell you this as straight as possible. I have already checked it thrice and this can’t be wrong. I don’t know what” as he was constantly saying, I thought of interrupting him because whatever he was talking about was going way above my head.
“Stop… stop. You are playing with words right now. Tell me straight what is it? You are kind of freaking me out” I said.
“Anirudh, you are HIV positive” said he with all the sadness in this world collected on his face.
“Oh, and I thought you would say that my blood group is AB positive. Come on I am way too matured for these kinds of jokes” I said making fun out of what he said. I knew that he wasn’t kidding but by making fun of him I just wanted to assure myself that I am totally fine.
“What, seriously” I asked him with fear and he nodded while looking down at the floor.
He further told me that AIDS is the reason why my wound was not healing and that AIDS is the reason why I am gradually getting weaker not only physically but mentally as well. It felt like lightening penetrated my heart, my life has come to an end now, i thought.
I would have lived more happily in the absence of this truth and after knowing the fact that I am suffering from AIDS, I feel even more weak and exhausted.
“Well AIDS is a slow poison just like your cigarettes, people suffering from this disease live long enough if they are on proper medication” said Ritesh to calm me down and further went to write a medical prescription for me.
But the truth is always harsh and difficult to accept. I knew that I am not an innocent guy and I was ready to believe that I am suffering from AIDS. It’s not that some barber might have used a used blade of someone suffering from AIDS when I was there for shaving. It’s not that I was eating out at a restaurant when some HIV positive chef’s drop of blood went into my stomach along with the dish that he prepared. It’s not that I accidentally stepped on an already used injection. I knew the truth from where I might have got contaminated with this disease – brothels.
I am a 33years old working person who earns good but never had a single girlfriend in my life, may be because I am not handsome, may be because I was not ready, may be because they didn’t trusted me, whatsoever the reason be I was left with only one choice to fulfill my pleasures and desires, and that is why I often went to brothels.
When you walk on the road of pleasure the shadow of sin is always your companion. It is the desire for pleasure that evolves the sinister side of a human being. I walked on the same road and invited my destruction with open arms.
Instead of making an honest living with the money I earned, I chose to enjoy life to the fullest, I chose to experience everything. In a way I felt happy to have experienced almost everything, knowing that I am going to die soon. But if I hadn’t chosen to be on the dark side, then I wouldn’t be here sitting in this hospital suffering from AIDS.
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After spending four more days at the hospital, Ritesh told me that now I can go home to get back to the daily routine of mine and he also advised me to do rest more if possible and to keep myself busy. After going home whatever I did and whatever I thought about, I just couldn’t wipe-off the undeniable fact from my mind that I was going to die soon. This very thought started haunting me. I started smoking more cigarettes. For two days I hallucinated that the ‘messenger of death’ is calling me from distance to take me to hell.
I never went back to the office because I didn’t want them to know that I am HIV+. Days were passing slowly and time was eating me because every single moment I thought of death. I never thought that the very idea of death will have such a devastating impact on me.
I wanted to kill the fear that was crawling inside my heart and soul like a rattle snake and to do that I must kill myself, I thought. I climbed up the terrace of my six floor tall building and slowly walked to its edge. My heart started pumping faster, my eyes were wet, uncountable thoughts were speeding through my mind and before I could focus on anything – I jumped.
My suicide can be briefly defined in three words Jump, Fall and Fly. In a way they are similar but I got a whole new outlook towards my life with these.
Jump: I jumped from the terrace hoping that all my obstacles will come to an end but along with my life of course. It’s height of stupidity that in an attempt to escape from a disease I was ready to give up my life.
Fall: As I was falling I thought that I am not only falling physically but on moral level as well. Where from did I gathered this much courage to give away my life so easily, I wondered.
Fly: As soon as I passed a couple of balconies while falling I realized that in a way I am flying.
An individual’s character is defined by how their perspective is, towards different things. For instance, I was frustrated and afraid when I jumped. I was sad and helpless when I was falling. But the moment I realized that I am flying, I had a smile on my face and I sensed a new beginning within. With every stroke of wind on my face while flying I felt like an old withered tree who is greeted by a tiny green leaf on its dry branch after rain showers.
We all grow up knowing the fact that someday death will overcome us. That day might be today, it might be tomorrow or some 20 years from now, it can be any day. Still we live unboundedly with numerous dreams to accomplish, showing brave side of ourselves.
It is true that living with AIDS would have been tough because of the fear of death, but I failed to realize that death would get me anyhow, sooner or later. But it’s too late to think about all this now I thought, just before the gravity of earth pulled me towards her with all her force.
I thanked myself for not creating any wish list else I would have felt pity not to accomplish them. I was lying on the road unable to move any part of my body. As I was about to close my eyes I thought it would never open again, it would never again see the beauty of this world that I failed to recognize.
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